So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
