Can i not drive my cunt home
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
