i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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