Do you still have your period?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
