I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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