my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
