hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
