piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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