By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
