i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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