I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
