Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
