the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
