life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
