my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
