I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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