He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
