So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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