That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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