there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
