I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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