Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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