I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize