you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think people are normalizing furries
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize