how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
