I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Randomize
