Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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