New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
