You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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