Me too!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
