Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
