i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Randomize