then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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