How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
