Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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