pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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