Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is Oprah even human
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
