Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
