Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
