i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize