Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
