I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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