Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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