i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize