The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
