K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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