you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
