I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
