Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were trust falling into bushes
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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