I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
