you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
