dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
