My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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