There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
