You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
