We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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