Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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