Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
