The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize