I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
