You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
