And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
